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2004-09-21 - 11:31 p.m.

Have you ever been quiet for so long that you totally forgot what your own voice sounds like; talk about the ultimate in loansomeness. ugh, one of these days i will find someone that will want to be with me.

so here i am just letting my mind flow,

onto my computer screen and seeing where it takes me.

people reading my thoughts tonight.

I think that i have finally found out what life is all about.

Not in the long eternal prospect or anything,

but more in a phsyical existance (here on earth) sort of way.

It has to be all about love.

the love of finding,

the love of giving,

the love of exploration,

the love of another.

It is sooooo important to find that love in your life that in your sub-consience,

you are completely driven to find it. the thing that will make you tick.

I have spent my whole life

trying to fill a void that i have,

which leads me to believe that i have not found that 'thing," that "love"

that i speak of.

somtimes i have thought

that i will never find what i am truely suppsoe to find.

Sure I have had moments that I have thought I have found my calling in life.

The Freedom that the bicycle seemes to give me.

the deep, rich feeeling that the Bass guitar flows through me.

The thrill that the car gives me when i push it a little harder.

The satisfaction that a good book grants me when i finally reach the end( and it ends well).

the shiver I get when someone gives me a pat on the back for a job well done.

and the smile i get from someone i look towards.

But I have always known that there is more.

A combination of all feeling, of all happiness; into just one moment.

and that moment is true love.

I look forward to that moment,

I long for that moment.

yes i know that this little bit sounds like the story of everyones life,

but this is where i am also going to make one small twist.

I will enjoy every little moment of my life.

I will savor the bitter with the sweet.

i will take my happiness in stride.

I will charish the moments that i am made to cry.

i will scream when i am joyous.

I will tredge forward when i am in pain.

I will.

i will.

i will.

and i can.

Because i know the truth.

I have made just two vows in my life.

the first is to be true to myself,

because; for now,

that is all that i have.

as long as i am true to myself,

my life will go down a path that i can manage.

The second,

and most important;

I will never raise my voice to the one that I love.

That person will be my everything,

and i can not cheapen them with mear words and feelings brought on by somthing trivial.

I know that i sound strong.

That i have the strength to move forward alone, while i am alone

But the truth is,

I really can't do this for much longer.

I have never gone so long with my emotions being first in my life.

and i fear that i either must,

find the one that is going to be my life,

or sink back into the non-emotional mess,

that everyone else saw as quiet.

I don't want that.

don't want. don't want don't want don't want not at all.

I want to have my emotions free.

I want to feel joy.

I want to feel sadness.

I want my feeling to swell up to the point of breaking.

I want to forget myself,

and put the feelings of another before me.

I want my goals to become the goals of another,

I want the picture to be "US", and not just "me"

I want to Cry.

 

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